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Sleepless Nights, Questions, and Freedom

Some nights I don’t sleep well. I lay awake, sleepless,  not wanting to look at the time, especially if I’ve had a tiny taste of the elusive sleep and I have to get up early to be somewhere. Like the night a few weeks ago.  I was meeting my friend,  riding  80 something miles to Portland together, followed by a slightly longer drive alone the next day. Two days in a row, up and on the road early.

Laying half awake, bladder  hurting because I need to go empty it, I don’t want to move. I am  thinking if I get up, I’ll never get back to sleep and my question to Jesus in this moment  is this (Yeah!) Did you have to pee in the middle of the night? What did you do ? Pretty sure you got up and took care of business instead of laying there deliberating the pros and cons and asking a ton of questions! What did you do when sleep eluded you?  Did your body feel pain? How did you handle it?

Did you do like Elana Miller of Zen Psychiatry? She is now, as I have been over the past few years, learning to gently meet the pain … to expand into it, to breathe into it, giving it space. The alternative is to constrict around it, to bring it inward and to remove the “wiggle room” To squeeze out the light, the lightness of being, giving the pain no place to diffuse, inviting suffering.  Constriction invites suffering.

Did you suffer? Did you constrict around the pain of the creation that you came to redeem? Or did you embrace it? How did that work? We can’t bear the pain of our one life let alone the huge weight of the pain of all of humanity ever.

In that place of expansion into the pain, is that a place where we can meet you … when the constriction is so tight that there is no more to constrict? And the only choice seems to expand into it or die?

To die to the smallness … the tightness of our own restrictive beliefs and whoosh!! Blossom into the One living within … the One who has been there all along … Waiting for this moment in the experience of time?

You! The One who created all of this for us .:. Because you want to share your union as the three in One  with us … with all of humanity.

I hear you telling me to keep my eyes off of all contradiction and fully focused on YOU, who YOU are.

To me. In me. As me.

United with me, as me, how do you express?

No comparison with anyone else. No concern about how I will be received by the “others”. Just pure fascination with how You express through me … and out of that a growing appreciation for how You express through others.


Learning to see you – Christ – in the face of everyone I meet. Fully knowing that the expression will look different every time. Fascination with the difference! The LOVE that you are does not change. You are changeless, yet your expression through each of us changes. What an intriguing dance, this One Life. One Love.

This is freedom!!  And this freedom is truly FREEDOM. It is a scary proposition. No boxes to contain me. What do I do with that? [when all I've ever know are boxes of one sort or another?] Freedom means I can fall flat on my face. It also means that I can fly in to the fullness of me. My original design. In LOVE with the One who designed me knowing that all of this is because the Existing One  loves me so deeply, so without condition. You, the Existing ONE.


My eyes.  Locked in to Yours. Seeing only Love.

Puts a new spin on freedom!

(I love sleepless nights!  Look where they lead me!)


Get Up Keep Going!

single stairwell graphic 300x274 Get Up Keep Going!I’ve decided that an easy throw on my robe and just do it way to move early in the morning while my coffee is brewing is to go down and up the 21 stairs leading up to my apartment. These stairs have been my healing benchmark throughout the past forty four months. I started my morning adventure Friday.


The very next day, Saturday, I fell. Thinking about how many more cycles I could do.  I had already done one. And!  Down I went. Bam!! Hard!! Pretty much on my face, with my left arm protecting it, onto first landing. It hurt!! Not gonna lie. There were tears, overwhelm, jolted body, a fair amount pain, a couple of skinned knees and thankfully, nothing to indicate serious injury. Deflated, I climbed back up the stairs to my apartment, thinking to myself “Well … so much for more rounds today! And probably the next several days.“ There were a few other unpleasant self demeaning thoughts as well, heading me squarely into a deep self pity mindset.


Within a few seconds I stopped. “Wait!!   How can I reframe this thing? What is the message here? How can I move the stiffness trying to set in out of my body?” I heard Holy Spirit whisper “People get back up on their horses when they fall off.” Oh yeah!! They do. So I stepped back outside and did 4 more rounds … 2 more than Day One.  I am up to seven times in a row up and down those stairs, and climbing.


This is a completely new expression of Love in my body.  Up until now, this healing process  has been about learning to gently  listen to the cues to slow down,to stop driving so hard. This day,  love in my body, love FOR my body,  was about getting back up,and gently keeping on. Moving forward, inspite of falling flat on my face. Fear of falling is no longer the driving force … Love, which is in part that feeling of vibrant aliveness, is! That is significant progress and I am pleased with it.


The fall on my face? Perhaps a manifestation of the unconscious (now fully conscious) belief that I will fall on my face if I get too confident, too happy, have too much fun. So! Message received !! In the entire three and a half plus years since my body and therefore my life came to a crashing halt, I have not fallen down the stairs. I’ve lost my balance and almost fallen, but never have I gone down on the stairwell. Until Saturday.  And  now I laugh.  The thing I was afraid of is done.  And I am not broken. In fact, fear was the farthest thing from my awareness as I fell. Maybe, just maybe, it is message received.  No need for further falling on the stairwell … or any other place?



Walking The Edge of the Abyss & Falling In

Walking close to the edge this past week …

Finding myself falling into the deep  abyss that I thought was fear.

Instead it is the deepest Love ever ~~~

Because in the falling, I am choosing to look into the face of  Love.

opening ~~~  opening ~~~opening ~~~


It looks so dark, so scary, this Love.

My beliefs have made that so.

That dark scary look of love.

The stories I tell myself about love are precisely what I have experienced.

The faces of fear superimposed onto Love

And there you are, Jesus!


You have moved yourself right smack dab into the middle of my  twisted thinking. You did that the moment you incarnated.  I don’t think it could get much more twisted than my thinking … not just double minded … triple – quadruple minded.  And there you are in the midst of what can feel hopelessly overwhelming …

Whispering “Fear not. I have redeemed you. I have called you by your name. You are mine.”

The whisper grows  ~ “Arise. Shine. Your light has come and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.”

You are real, Jesus.

You Live. In me. As me. God Incarnate.


The Word made flesh who dwelt among us, now dwells in me as me through me … Individually. Uniquely.  In me.  Through me.

Anything that creates fear is not from you. You are LOVE … and You as perfect Love, cast out, dissolve the faces of fear. Perfect love travels with me as I retrace and look at the deeply fear-based beliefs embedded at the level of my cellular structure where the fear chemicals have inserted themselves, blocking the entry of Love, which also has chemical structures associated with it at the physical level.  Chemical structures we were designed by You to completely and totally hang out in.  We are peeling back the layers of the fear based thinking!

Yes!  Fear is not from Me … when you feel it, Know it is not Me. And any “I am not” is based in fear with no foundation. Hamartia …. Without form … without portion. Fear is without portion.   I come to you in the midst of your not form … not portion … in the midst of all of the illusion of “I am not”with what is Real … what is of substance, of Form … Your belief in it is what gives your fear substance. Faith is the substance of things hoped for … and I am the author and the perfecter of your faith.


Faith creates.


It is the way of it.  Faith manifests its focus. Where is your faith focused?


I am still walking close to the edge [my favorite place] and intentionally allowing myself to  fall off into the deep deep LOVE that is Life.


Letting go


of the fierce need to control my experience,

to get it perfect before I start,

Letting go


of the fear of what isn’t known,

the fear of trusting,


Letting go


of that need to be the best,

to be right,

to have the approval of all the yous in my life.

Looking in the face of Love as I fall


Choosing to redirect my focus to that face of Love EVERY TIME the overwhelming urge  to look into the shadow faces of  fear show up. They are, after all, known and familiar.  And that deep true untainted LOVE  is a  very faint memory from before I was born.

Choosing this again and again


as the fear chemicals release, multiple times in one hour at times

Especially as the habits of my thought are shifting to the face of Love.

To Eyes of the One who Loves perfectly.

To living IN LOVE





Please share this if it speaks  to you.  And please.   Please leave a comment!






On Blissful Union and Becoming Deeply Rooted

deeply rooted original cropped 150x150 On Blissful Union and Becoming Deeply Rooted

Original Artwork by Abigail Losli

Standing in front of the kitchen counter, waiting for the coffee to be ready … I do what I do every morning. I practice balance while I wait for the water to boil and the coffee to drip into the cup.

I am thinking about how I have always done things …. how I have pushed through so I could get to the destination … the goal … the thing I wanted under my belt … trying to blow past the foundation and get to the goodies.  Haha!  It is certainly how I have done the  physically  “intimate” relationships, going there long before there was any foundation for longevity.

This morning it expresses in ignoring grounding and balancing into the Mountain pose and going directly into Tree … HaHa!!   I tilted to right almost immediately. NO surprise here!  The Tree pose is all about balance.  No wonder it is a challenge to stand balanced in this yoga pose for more than 2 seconds on some days.  I have not established my balance and connected with my rooting. I bypass the foundation.

On those days, the body veers to the right and wants to tip over immediately.  Right is my default tipping direction, and doesn’t that make sense!

In my life, I’m very often veering off towards my goal before I am deeply rooted in what matters. Deeply rooted in the Love of I AM that indwells me … The Love OF I Am becomes the love that I am because the Word became flesh and dwelt among us … and lives in ME. Yeah!!

I was created to live in Union with my Creator. That has been the longing of my being all along. That is my destiny. Deep blissful Union with the One who created me.  In time and space connected to eternity.

The thing of that is that I have wanted the union without the foundation work. Bypassing the foundation to get to the goodies. The goodies have been transient because the foundation was not strong.

Not just not strong. The foundation for that union and every other union was on tilt. The foundation was twisted with core negative beliefs based in the emotional reality of a 0 to 5 year old, (me) which for at least 3 years of that time is without languaging to express that reality.

I have have projected the face of mean, scary, vindictive, absent, hateful, viciously punishing, abusive, onto the Creator who only ever always loves me and all of His creation enough to become flesh and dwell among us, then to die the most humiliating excruciating rejecting death at the hands of the very creation [that includes me] He loves so much . So that we could live out our original design … deep union with God.

The foundation work for me has required gutting those embedded fear based beliefs that have gathered supporting evidence over my lifetime and replacing them with core beliefs aligned with the intention of my Creator, new beliefs that will gather new supporting evidence.

Supporting evidence of LOVE without limits. Moving from a foundation of fear into deeply rooted in the Love OF I AM allowing me to become the love THAT I am. There are no short cuts into this blissful union. I have been retracing the steps I took  into exile-  into fear – shifting those fear based beliefs  and choosing every day to move into love to the level that the embedded negative beliefs have been cleared. That is my experience with Retracing Sequence Method.  It is to date the most powerful neuro-emotional method I have encountered and used.

With it,  I am clearing the embedded beliefs, layer by layer, freeing me to align with the Mind of Christ in me, the hope of glory.  Freeing me to live the life of my design … Freeing me to LOVE .  Layer by layer, the resistance (fear) is being peeled away and replaced with the truth of the Word … the Logic of God who created me and lives in me.

Freedom from everything that has blocked me from fully experiencing Love … and the True and Living God who is Love.  One big layer at a time.

I am so blessed!




Here It Is

Depositphotos 4570514 s 150x150 Here It IsFebruary.  The month where typically,  my good intentions are swept away in a wash of ’I don’t matter anyway’ or’ What difference does my voice make?’  ’I didn’t really want to do that.’

Sound a little familiar?


That thinking over time results in physical symptoms like fatigue, symptoms that come out of the emotional heaviness attached to the belief that I don’t matter.  The emotional wash.  It permeates the bloodstream in the form of neuro-peptides and hormones. I tell myself that everyone else is better at “it” than I am … so WHY am I doing this thing that everyone else is better at?

These days, it comes down to something very simple.


  • Because it’s fun.
  •  And, as I keep doing it I’ll get better at it.
  • I like it.
  • It pleases me.

Because  I matter and that is enough.


How I am in this world matters.   What I think, what I feel, what I choose to focus on … all of it matters. The same is true for you.  What you think, what you feel, what you choose to focus on … ALL OF IT MATTERS.

It isn’t a simply a matter of sentiment. What you think, and how you feel truly does matter.  Thoughts are energy.  They stimulate electrical current in your brain.  They elicit molecules of emotion which have an electro-chemical resonance and move through your bloodstream as hormones and neuro-peptides.

It keeps coming back to I matter.  You matter,.  We matter. In all our diversity.  

So, this February, I’m doing it differently. , Instead of allowing those beliefs (and a few others) to quietly pummel me for another 11 months,because I am not meeting my own expectations, I’ve done a quick redirect.  I don’t need to contribute more shame, guilt and a hopeless resignation into the atmosphere around me.

Just this month.  I  know how I want to feel and how I want to be in the world as  I move into 2015 and beyond.  This is the year of the consistent tiny practices that move me in that direction.   So what does February need to look like  to bring me closer to that vision?

Borrowing from the daily Storyline Productivity Schedule, I’m asking

“If I could live February 2014 over again, what would I do?”


The answers inform the focus for the month and tell me what is most important for right now.  And you know it is interesting.  It isn’t about doing more, cranking more out.  It is so much  about staying present to my life, to myself, to the awareness of the presence of my Creator in every moment.  It is about noticing, and being kind in that noticing .. to myself and to those around me.  

It is also about doing it anyway, before it is perfect, when I can see the vision in my mind, feel it in my bones without the practiced skills to bring the vision into reality in the way that I see and feel it.  Yet.  Just keep  practicing, developing the skills, always playing with it, letting it go while I do something else and then coming back to the work in progress.

Building tiny consistent practice intentionally, playfully!



snail on flower cropped 150x150 DOING IT DIFFERENTLYCultivating practice looks like   being very deliberate about doing it differently.  Whatever “it” is for you.

“It”  right now is about doing learning, deliberately and intentionally, doing it differently.

Last year, my sister and her husband invested in me … and in their business …  by funding the Girl’s Guide to Web Design course … included in that amazing and very  easy to follow course are lifetime upgrades. Amanda AitkenVerral brings the world of html and css into understandable  concepts.

I love presents … especially surprise presents.   Call that initial investment  the gift that keeps on  giving .  Here’s why.

Earlier this  month, Amanda very generously opened up the Graphic Design course to those of us waiting for the Web design upgrade to The Thesis 2  version.  She, it turns out, is doing a total upgrade of everything Girl’s Guide.  Happy New year to me!!  God’s answer to the deep desire in my heart to learn graphic design!

It means I’m  choosing to learn in a completely new way.  A way that sticks the material to me, so that I can call it forth when I need it.

Unlike the way I dove into the Girl’s Guide to Web Design course last year.

Last year I was in a hurry to get something up that wasn’t  straight out of the Thesis 1.85 box … and feel my way around  the whole code thing.   That is how I learn everything.  And with most things, it works really well for me.  But as I learned last year, this is a new language for me. And languages take practice …

I am doing it very  differently with Graphic Design  Course.   I am deliberately and intentionally laying a  new foundation and I am stoked about that!

This time I am working through each exercise and practicing.  Learning my way around Photoshop CC by playing with each element used in the teaching video I am working with, by  hearing the instructions repeated in different ways throughout the videos … and then creating something similar as I go along … for the learning … not for use … for the sheer  joy of the learning.

In that process  I am learning to be ok with being slower than those who have a strong foundation with  Photo Shop.   I see that  really learning allows me to become competent and then deeply master the process. The kind of mastery that comes with hours spent in the craft. I want that.

It means being ok with not being at or near the front of the pack.  The “Oh. I can’t get it perfect right away?  Guess it’s not for me!” mindset replaced with tiny consistent steps.

Looks like the three years developing the body anchor  is kicking in in a completely new area  and I am loving it!

This to me is soul healing at its most practical.  There is a capacity to see the deeper gift here arising  out of the work I’ve done at a personal level with Retracing Sequence Method. The creative, patient  part of my brain has opened up because week after week,  as I uncover, neutralize and then put in the truth of who I am because Christ in me truly  IS the hope of glory … my hope of glory.  The intent of God manifested in me.   I open to allowing the creativity in me to express.

I can simply breathe in, breathe out .  Show up every day to the play and practice of creating.  No need to rush it.  Simply show up to the practice.   Show up to  learning the tools of this specific creative process.  Exciting !!!

What is your “it”? Where are you doing it differently?